Upsetting the status quo

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you in this noble endeavor!

Why?

Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional
pattern.

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old
testament.

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning.

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Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes.

In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

How Do Healthy Families Work?

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted.

Family members can freely ask for and give attention.

Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.

Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities.

Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some common problems associated with each.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

Deficient Parents

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood.



Controlling Parents

Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.

Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics.

==================

This help yourself originally written and developed in 1993 by Sheryl A. Benton, Ph.D., University Counseling Services; updated/modified for the internet in 1997 by Dorinda J. Lambert,
Ph.D..

http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/csweb/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html

Family Systems Theory

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

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The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements.

Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways.


Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.


==============================================

Healing Shame the Shame That Binds You, on DVD


John Bradshaw offers his perspective on ways multi-generational shame is transmitted in family systems and is the root cause of addictive and compulsive behaviors. John describes how family-of-origin rules and attitudes become encoded in each family member and how shame in engendered through abandonment and rejection. This type of dysfunctional family system can lead to generations of dysfunctional families, abusers and addicts
contaminating each new family in its wake.

Without this intervention, shame will continue to fuel the fire of addictions. John offers therapy and treatment methods to heal and stop the insanity of the past, and concrete ways to re-script, enhance and enrich lives.

Fix this damn post later... running out of time...

Characteristics of Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

...My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

...My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

...Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

...My mental attention is focused on you

...My mental attention is focused on protecting you

...My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

...My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

...My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

...My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

...Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

...I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

...The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

...My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

...My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

...I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

...My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

...I put my values aside in order to connect with you

...I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

...The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of your

s


There is a newsgroup frequented by those interested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency



Reprinted with permission from Recovery & Sobriety Resources

By Terry M., Webservant

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

Excerpts from John Bradshaw's "Right Brain Healing - The Jesus Nature"

"I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did, the call is to Do What YOU Do. To be fully self actualized, like he (Jesus) was."

"This shocks pious minds"

"I started teaching this (when I got back to Houston from the seminary) and lo and behold I almost got run out of town"

".. No. I do believe in providence, it's just that too often I see people going to providence without realizing that we are created in the image of God. And to be creative is how we are most like Jesus"

Bradshaw repeats a quote about codependent self deprecation:

"For worms to harbor such thoughts, not for beings made in the image of God!"

Bradshaw on the topic of N.L.P and prayer:

"What I tell people in counseling is that if they have religious background, I tell them to use this... Frequently I ask people to 'go to a resource that they have within themselves', and they say they don't have one (that they trust), I tell em to get God the Father and include that in a reframing, include that in a collapse anchor. This is a resource that they can go to. And this is very powerful stuff."

Jesus said:

"Greater things that I did you'll do"

From Right Brain Healing- the Jesus Nature, an audio presentation by John Bradshaw

More on what N.L.P or Neuro Linguistic Programming is: http://holisticonline.com/hol_neurolinguistic.htm

What's wrong with Reason & Rationality?

Reason and Rationality are severely limited.

Your ego percieves receives and broadcasts on a level or plane that is analogous to AM radio.

Your intuitive mind perceives, receives and broadcasts on FM radio.

Your ego is good at what it does… but it digitizes everything it perceives.

It also is terrified of NOW, it is genetically incapable of understanding the present moment as it really is… it can not ‘feel’ the differences between the ‘fullness’ and ‘richness’ of FM, after all AM plays identical tunes- Your ego protests:

all the notes, all the melodies, all the lyrics are there… what static? (Am radio)

Your ego has no FM; it does not perceive reality on that level, only an antiseptic digitized reality.

In this post I will lay out the basic premises of this site:

We have an ego, but for most of us, our ego has us.

Our ego is, for all practical purposes (an N.L.P. premise btw), the voice we hear in the back of our head.

We are, in reality (a term which is VERY relative), much more than an ego… or ego is virtually incapable of understanding this fact, and will have much resistance to this concept.

Our ego can be said to be a function of our left brain, our intuitive brain can be said to be a function of our right brain (this is a gross over simplification but our ego is very limited in it’s ability to grasp abstract concepts)

Ego is great, it's great to have one...

the denigration of the ego… and why at least the temporary subjugation of the ego would be a good idea.

hmm, it seems in my vigor to explain our ego construct’s (and it is a construct, of our own creation) limitations…

I forgot to express that busting our ego from Sargent back to private was supposed to be temporary.

my bad…

Our ego IS useful, without it, I feel we’d be like the character Dustin Hoffman played in Rain Man. OK, so Raymond was an autistic savant, sue me… you get the picture.

John Bradshaw, who shaped most of my theology/psychology says that “in order to give up the ego, we’ve gotta have a healthy one, first!”

Our ego (construct) is not broken

It got us here didn’t it?
It kept a roof over our head, kept us from losing our jobs, we still have (most of us) have all our fingers and toes???

Our Ego is without a doubt, probably the most useful tool at our disposal.

If you ask it, however, it wants to think it’s the ONLY tool at our disposal… as a matter of fact, our ego also thinks it IS us (and right now it’s wondering who the hell you think you are implying that some other part of you might be present, let alone in charge???)

It’s simply not the best tool to have at the wheel full time, if the only tool in your tool box is a hammer, all of your problems tend to look like nails.

Our ego is HALF of our management.
It just doesn’t know it.

Does your car have a stick shift?

A car’s clutch pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a gas pedal.

A gas pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a clutch pedal.

With the tool of Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP) we can take our minds out of gear, long enough to fiddle with the clutch and learn to work our logical, analytical left brain in harmony with our non linear, intuitive right brain… without slipping the clutch!

Psychological Reversal, boring title, important concept

Simply put: Psychological Reversal is where you want X, and your insides want Y.

of course this is an oversimplification but that’s it in a nut shell.

Now here’s the kicker: the part of you that wants Y, he’s a LOT bigger than you are.

Now this is gonna sound like the movie, “Cybil”, like we have multiple personalities… but it’s
generally accepted that we have a subconscious, and that we have both analytical, logical left brains and intuitive, non rational right brains.

This is like a piece of machinery’s governor, some trucks have governors that prevent them from accelerating past 63 mph.

Most of us are totally unaware of this internal Governor, Tony Robbins called it an internal thermostat.

In his model, when we get in need of something, when we want something, when a situation comes up that’s unacceptable to us, the thermostat kicks in… we have energy available to heat things up…
what’s not obvious is that it also works in reverse!

Once you exceed your internal self image’s limit…

The thermostat kicks in again… and cools things down.
we F*** up, screw up, are late for an important appointment, all of a sudden anything and everything that could cause us to lose focus, is mysteriously more important…
fancy that

In my http://web.archive.org/web/20060822145836/http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/ blog I spoke of boundaries, that once you fix your boundaries you fix everything…
that’s true

sort of

What happened with me, is that once I achieved a critical mass of healthier choices, once my boundaries were so functional that I no longer had to devote massive quantities of energy to combat dysfunctional urges…
once it became effortless and automatic…

I f***ed up.

Unconsciously, on purpose

and embarrassingly so.

ACOA characteristics

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Victim Behavior
Thanks go out to Cheryl Major for permission to use this info

The following is a list of common characteristics of Adult Children. These characteristics were developed by Dr Janet G. Woititz. You may not feel that each one applies to you, but I found that most of them fit my personality or lifestyle in some way, especially the first one.

Adult Children (to themselves) seem like they're *More Crazy*... the drunk can blame it on the bottle, an ACOA is doing alchoholic stuff (addictive behavior/ self destructive behavior) and they don't even drink?

it's confusing...

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Adult Children

...guess at what normal is

...have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

...have difficulty having fun

...have difficulty with intimate relationships

...overreact to changes over which they have no control

...constantly seek approval and affirmation

...feel that they are different from other people

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible

...judge themselves without mercy

...take themselves very seriously

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious thought to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

Of course this is not the final and inclusive list of characteristics, but it gives you a good idea where some of your so called 'personality flaws' or problems in relationships may be coming from.

Dr Janet G. Woititz

Some estimates say that 90% of the people who practice victim behavior will NEVER accept that the 'circumstances they find themselves in' have anything to do with their life's choices ...this site is dedicated to the remaining 10% who have the COURAGE to change paradigms.

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

If you don't have a good system of boundaries it can be really hard to envision what a boundary is- below is one set of explanations:

If you have good boundaries you CANNOT be a victim!
Fool me once shame on you...
Fool me twice shame on ME!

From Setting Boundaries Worksheet from http://icoach.ca/pdf/Setting_Boundaries.pdf

Relationships are based on underlying assumptions about what is okay to do and what is not okay in a given relationship, and also who is allowed to determine this.

When relationships are based on equality, there is less chance of exploitation. But there are many persons with these assumptions are rarely discussed openly in everyday conversation whom we have contact, who we have been taught to believe have more power in the relationship. This may include those people who are in professional areas, or in authority (eg. employers).

Before one discusses setting boundaries, it is important to make several acknowledgements

All relationships have assumptions behind them, based on societal values.

These assumptions are rarely discussed openly in everyday conversation.

Individuals may have different assumptions about certain relationships and their boundaries.

Boundaries may be either physical and /or psychological boundaries {these authors left out emotional and spiritual boundaries- insert mine}

Boundaries are related to trust.

There can be both negative or positive consequences when persons try to change boundaries.

There will often be resistance to changing boundaries from persons who have previously established the boundaries