Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Upsetting the status quo

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you
in this noble endeavor!


Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

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