Friday, February 24, 2017

You Have No Interest In Getting Better

Subconsciously you want to be a victim

inconvenient truth about codependency

what I'm about to say might seem harsh

the reason you're not willing to entertain monitoring your internal self talk is...

the reason you're unwilling to undertake anything that will actually make your life easier is...

You want something and your sub conscious does not

It's irrelevant if you want, if you intellectually want to have better relationships with others, have a better relationship with yourself

Your sub conscious wants OTHERWISE

if it wants something and you don't... YOU LOOSE

the reason you want to have a nemesis, the reason you want to live in a constant state of being afflicted by outside forces vexing you is...

you really want something to complain about

if you were to do anything to

Monday, September 19, 2016

Manipulation Only Bothers Weak People?

You can't be manipulated, if you feel you're often being manipulated, you're not gonna want to hear that.

The fact is... you cannot be manipulated without being manipulatABLE.

And that is a self inflicted wound.

The only people who are concerned about boundaries are people who keep getting pushed around, think about it.. .if you're a bully ( and you might be even if you don't see yourself as being a bully ) you successfully navigate the ups and downs of your life by this maxim:

The Best Defense is a Good Offence

From the bullies perspective, it's a

  • dog eat dog world
  • eat or be eaten
  • screw them before they screw you
If those are your word view then it would seem normal, to you, that

having a manipulative skill set would be something useful or even necessary

From your perspective, being a bully is a good thing
it is not, but you can't see that from where you are

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Aggressive People Don't Complain About Boundaries

You Cannot Be Manipulated Without FIRST Being ManipulatABLE

The only folks concerned about boundaries problems are those on the shi*y end of the stick.

There are people who "tend to" be pretty good at not getting taken advantage of ( not that that's a bad thing)

There are people who "tend to" have a pattern of not covering their own back

CYA (Cover Your Ass.)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Boundaries or lack thereof in the Movies - Henry's Crime

I just watched the movie Henry's Crime with Keanu Reeves, James Cann and Vera Farmiga.

In this movie Henry has an "empty life", there isn't anything "wrong" with it.. he has a wife, a job, a car, a house.. yet he is obviously empty inside.
Codependency does that to you.

He has almost no internal boundaries, he agrees to stuff and doesn't really know why.. he has difficulty in saying "NO" to almost everybody.

Early in the movie a high school friend shows up on his door step, the guy is a shyster, a petty crook, a manipulator.. in short he is a predator and remembers that Henry is "prey"

codependents frequently set themselves up as "prey"

OR.. being Prey is intolerable.... so codas often can cover up their deep rooted feelings of inadequacy by becoming manipulative or even aggressive, bullies are more codependent than the people they prey on.

Henry wants out of his life.. it feels so empty he would rather go to jail for a crime he did not commit

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Psychologicial Reversal - Part Of You Wants Something And You Want Something Else

What is Psychological Reversal?
In 1980 top American psychologist Dr Roger Callahan invented a new treatment for psychological problems called Thought Field Therapy (TFT).

In context of his audio series, Dr Robert Anthony explains Psychological Reversal as "our sub conscious is holding some contradictory interntion than our conscious mind"

"... to put it simply, you want something, and your sub conscious doesn't"

Similar to and often in combination to what Family Systems Theory calls "secondary gain"

What is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is a psychiatric term meaning that a person has a hidden reason for holding onto an undesirable condition. Frequently this reason is unconscious. It is obviously unconscious because the loss of holding onto the condition is often far greater than the perceived gain.

For example, this term is often used in chronic pain management. Chronic pain is pain that continues on past the time of an injury being healed, often having no apparent cause in the present. Finding and releasing the perception of secondary gain, such as the attention one receives, monetary compensation for disability, or just the need to deny the original cause of the pain, can greatly contribute to healing.
Source Circles Of Light

This is not to be confused with Reverse Psychology according to

a method of getting another person to do what one wants by pretending not to want it or to want something else or something more.

This site is for informational purposes only: Disclaimer: if you are in crisis contact a local to you hotline and/ or seek professional psychiatric help

Friday, May 13, 2011

Status Quo, your family will not want you to get better

What came first?
the chicken or the egg?

With boundaries it's not just "YOUR boundaries", it's your families boundaries that are in play.

You can't be a victim in a vacuum

What does this mean in English?

You realize you have less than functional boundaries
what does that mean?

You let others (allow others, fail to object to...) treat you with a lack of respect
why would they do that?

Boundaries aren't "you" or "about you", they are "ABOUT" the interaction/ the interplay/ an interpersonal relationship

The "pecking order" is currently interpreted by others as "you are one down" making them "one up"

"OneUpmanship" is THE underlying theme in codependency.

the other people who interact with you, for what ever reason, (doesn't matter if the egg came first or the chicken came first), they LIKE being "one up"

Let's say you have a history of drug abuse, that means someone else has had to "cover for you", you have let someone down, now more than likely that person is a family member

After a while they will resent (rightfully so) the fact that you've failed them in some way

Soon after that they will "collect injustices", you will be running a "defiecit" with this family member

What niether of you realize is, without them "setting out to do so", they "LIKE" being "one up"

Let's say time passes, you "get better"

the family member in question doesn't realize they WANT the status quo to change, they LIKE being one up...

Now you need to restructure your boundaries with that person

.... and you're shocked to find out, they actually don't WANT YOU TO GET BETTER

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Being Valuable

Being Valuable
From Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections – not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us
vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn’t respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.

We learn from our mistakes – and despite our mistakes, it is a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don’t scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.

Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Boundaries Are Containers For Self Esteem

Boundaries and Self Esteem
You don't have to be codependent to be concerned about Self Esteem. Everyone knows self esteem is important, most of us know our self esteem could use some boosting.

Codependents ARE codependent because their boundaries are damaged. Problem is almost no one (therapists included) are in agreement with a functional definition of exactly what boundaries are or what they look like.

The only people concerned with functional boundaries are those on the "shi*y end of the stick"

If you find your self constantly being "walked on" or if you have a pattern of repeatedly setting yourself up to be taken advantage of... you have less than functional boundaries. We can't call them "good boundaries" or "bad boundaries" because it's a subjective thing, who is to say what is "good" or "bad"?

I prefer to refer to boundaries as either functional or less than functional.

Why To Is More Important Then How To

What does having functional boundaries do for you?
They are the "container" for your sense of self, boundaries are where you end and other people begin.
If you have less than functional boundaries, you think it's normal for other peoples problems or issues affect you. In actuality, you don't have a "nickle in it". Non codependent people don't allow themselves to be manipulated or get caught up in "drama".
We do unfortunately, for some reason, we think this is normal.
We don't even notice that it isn't normal....

fold your arms
now fold them the other way
... feels funny doesn't it?

That's what it feels like to "train yourself" to rethink what normal is and doesn't have to be.

Self Esteem

No boundaries, no self esteem.
boundaries are the container for self esteem, without boundaries we don't have a "box" to put boundaries in!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

We all need healthy boundaries. Our boundary defines who we are and
determines how we are able to interact and relate to the world,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My boundary lets me know
where I end and you begin. My boundary allows me to express who I am
and allows you to do the same. If we grew up in a dysfunctional
family, inconsistent and various forms of abuse influenced our
ability to form and maintain our boundaries. We also have
difficulty identifying the boundaries of others.

Damaged boundaries is another symptom of codependency.

A primary cause of conflict and difficulties in relationships lies in
unhealthy boundaries. My boundary is my container. When I am too
contained or not contained enough, then problems in relationships
result. Healing and restoring our boundary is a part of the recovery
process. It does not happen overnight.

Our physical boundary

Sets our need and right to physical space and safety; including our
needs and rights in sexual interaction with others.

Our emotional or internal boundary

Sets our emotional needs, rights and safety; including our right to
our thoughts and actions.

If I develop an overly protective boundary, my ability to be in
healthy relationships with others is compromised. It like being in a
shell, like a turtle. No one can get it and I can't get out. The give
and take, back and forth flow in a relationship is hampered.

The other extreme is a lack of a sense of boundary. I cannot
experience myself as separate from others. My container is faulty and
all the contents spill out just like an egg when the shell is broken.
It becomes difficult to distinguish myself from others. I feel my
feelings and all of your feelings too. I begin to define myself
according to your definition. I lost my own identity. My
feelings are your feelings, my thoughts are your thoughts, and I
behave the way I think you want me to.

A healthy boundary is like the permeable membrane of a cell. It
controls what goes in and out. It determines what it needs and goes
for it. There is a back and forth flow.

As our self-esteem increases in recovery,
so will the health of our boundaries.

In review:

*The rigid boundary is like an impenetrable wall.
Nothing can go in or come out.

*No boundary - The person is unprotected.
Everything can flood in and flood out.

*Partial boundaries work sometimes but are not reliable.
*Healthy boundaries protect the individual,
and the person can choose what comes in and goes out.

Other Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries:


1.. Having sex when you do not want to
2.. Falling in love at first sight. Actually this is impossible.
You cannot love someone you do not know. It's actually infatuation.
3.. Intimate sharing on first meeting
4.. Using sex as a reward or punishment
5.. Inability to distinguish between love and sex.
6.. Manipulating another person through sex
7.. Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
8.. Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
9.. Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
10.. Sexual abuse


1.. Touching others without asking
2.. Physical intimidation
3.. Not allowing others privacy
4.. Not protecting your own need for privacy
5.. Physical abuse


1.. Verbal abuse
2.. Making threats
3.. Assuming I know what someone else feels
4.. Assuming others know what I feel
5.. Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
6.. Assuming to know the needs of others
7.. Over-reaction to feelings or behaviors of others
8.. Insisting others tell us how they feel
9.. Not respecting the rights of others
10.. Intolerance to differences of opinion
11.. Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
12.. Inability to ask for help
13.. Personalizing
14.. Need for constant reassurance from others
15.. Going against personal values and morals to please others
16.. Unclear preferences
17.. Accepting gifts that I don't want
18.. Making material gifts the measure of another's caring
19.. Over giving
20.. Frequent advice-giving with expectation that others follow it.

Descriptions of Boundaries

Rigid Boundaries: Physical

1.. Stiff body posture
2.. Stoic
3.. Uncomfortable being touched
4.. Avoids touching or showing affection to others
5.. Avoids physical closeness
6.. Does not reach or under-reacts
7.. Stone face
8.. Very predictable behavior

Rigid Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
2.. Appears aloof and disinterested
3.. Does not show feelings
4.. Does not talk about feelings
5.. Seems emotionally numb
6.. Attempts to meet needs and wants by themselves
7.. Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
8.. Does not react or under-reacts emotionally
9.. Has difficulty giving or receiving from others

No Boundaries: Physical

1.. Does not like being alone
2.. Touches others without asking
3.. Allows others to touch him/her
    even when it uncomfortable or inappropriate

4.. Is not aware of own need for privacy
5.. Imposes on the privacy of others
6.. Allows physical space to be invaded
7.. Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
8.. Personalizes
9.. Behavior is influenced by others
10.. Is unpredictable

No Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Feels everything
2.. feels the feelings of others
3.. Cannot contain feelings
4.. Over-discloses, tells too much
5.. Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
6.. Gets too close too fast
7.. Feels like a victim
8.. Experiences prolonged resentments
9.. Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
10.. Says "yes" when he/she wants to say "no"
11.. Feels responsible for the feelings of others
12.. Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
13.. overcompensates
14.. Expects others to meet needs
15.. Gives too much
16.. Takes too much
17.. Unable to respect the rights of others

Partial Boundaries: Physical

1.. May have extremes in need for physical space.
2.. Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
3.. May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances
    and fragile boundaries in others.

Partial Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Has mood swings
2.. Is indirect, e.g., Shares feelings about marriage with mother
rather than with husband. Is emotionally inconsistent. - May have
rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile
boundaries particularly in intimate relationships.

Healthy Boundaries: Physical

1.. Makes physical boundary clear to others
2.. Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
3.. Is able to negotiate and compromise
4.. Asks permission before touching others

Healthy Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Shares feelings appropriately and directly
2.. Is assertive
3.. Is interdependent
4.. Identifies choices
5.. Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
6.. Has an internal sense of personal identity
7.. Can allow "differences" in others
8.. Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion
    without altering their own
9.. Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)

My Boundaries:

What kind of boundary do I have?
Where in my life is it the hardest to have a healthy boundary?
What changes would I like to make in my boundary?
What do I need to do to make these changes?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

So you think you've got problems?

Codependents cling to their victim behavior as if it was an old friend
.. if you suddenly were not a victim anymore, if the fates suddenly stopped conspiring against you.

... you no longer had an external force to blame for your less than fortunate circumstances.

Codependents who "get better", more often than not unconsciously "Miss" their victim role, as if it was a long lost friend who you were so comfortable with you can't imagine living in a world without "Him" or "It"

It's not possible to be codependent without being someone who prefers to be a victim.
Codependents arrange their lives so something outside of them, some circumstance that appears to be beyond their control is preventing them from being functional.

I'm saying, not only do you like it that way, if you "got better", you'd Crave to go back to where it was someone or something else's "fault".

If you want to end this pattern, I'm saying you need to change internally, change your perception, change your attitude.

In our culture, attitude is looked down on as if it was a red headed step child, an also ran, it's not given anywhere near the credit it's due. Western ideas have frowned upon the subjective and worships the scientific process.

Attitude can alter, effect, improve, cause stuff to change way, way, WAY beyond what most of us are willing to assign a value to.

The little girl in this story has a positive attitude that could make the the economy rebound.

Watch this incredible story and adjust your attitude to a fraction of hers and I'm of the opinion what ever is dragging you down (what ever the circumstances) will "get better"

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services