Monday, July 17, 2017

Why You Don't Want To Set Boundaries

The reason codependents don't want to have to set boundaries is... they WANT to feel "put upon".

Codependents want others to "walk on egg shells".. they set themselves up to have their boundaries violated.. so they can then "expect" those close to them to feel obliged to offer pity.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

case in point.. I'm a sponsor for ... this person constantly accepts charity jobs.. BUT.. they are uncomfortable with clearly delineating what it is they're willing to do ( for free ) and at what point, the client is asking too much

...they have this erroneous idea that "having to set boundaries" is "being an ass hole"

from their perspective.. people who clearly state, in advance: this is what I'm willing to do and any request beyond this is asking too much... is being an ass hole.

it is not

when ends up happening, over and over is.. the person asking for pro bono help.. has NO IDEA what "too much" is, or isn't.

my client, then fumes.. allows themselves to feel "put upon".. when, in reality, this is a self inflicted wound.

My 77 year old mother used to use that phrase "put upon", I had to look it up:

If you are put-upon, you are treated badly by someone who takes advantage of your willingness to help them.

Any teacher worth their salt should have at least two ways of explaining something that, by it's very nature is, abstract or "can't see it from where you are"

For example... because if you don't have functional boundaries, you cannot easily see what it is we're describing, it's like describing a ship by the wake it leaves in the water...

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors:

Let's say your next door neighbors are having an outside party...and you don't want them treading on YOUR lawn.. IF.. and this is a big IF, If your back yard lots were, say, rectangular, and both your back yard AND your neighbor's back yard were the same dimensions, AND if at each corner of the lots were, some sort of fence post..

then and ONLY then, do you have some sort of right to be pissed off.. the "transgressor" should have easily seen the boundaries


Let's say your back yard is kinda pizza sliced shape, or more triangular than rectangular... and there are no posts on each corner

sorta like this:

then the party goers in the next yard, HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING that they may, or may NOT have crossed over the boundary INTO YOUR YARD...

in this instance.. you have NO RIGHT to get pissed.. if you didn't want folks to cross your boundary, then it's incumbent upon YOU to clearly delineate "this side is yours to do with as you please, but over here.. this is MINE, do not transgress

What Codependents do however.. is have this (erroneous) fantasy that "they should have known"

or worse yet.. they're baiting the other person into "transgressing" for the express purpose of guilting them, which makes YOU a predator

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