Upsetting the status quo

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you in this noble endeavor!

Why?

Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional
pattern.

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old
testament.

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

Are You Someone's Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others

Are You Someone's Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others

By: Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, DCSW, LPC

With the current interest in mental health topics, a mental
health language has emerged with words such as
manipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, and
codependence. Many people are unclear what these words mean
when applied to relationships. I would like to bring some
clarity to one of these terms ' MANIPULATION ' and how it
relates to the other terms mentioned above.
Webster's New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:

'managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use of
influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alter
or falsify for one's own purpose.'

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:

any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert),
another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have no
advantages. However, if you are codependent and defined by
others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others
to control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and make
decisions for you,

-- you do not have to think for yourself;
-- you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;
-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;
-- you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;
-- you get to blame others when things go wrong;
-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, what
to think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are
'being loved' because they 'want what is best for you';
-- you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;
-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is to
accept the hard work of living and interacting with others.
It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally.
These advantages can be that,

-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you
think, and how you feel;

-- you learn to make difficult decisions;

-- you get to take credit for your decisions;

-- you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;

-- you learn to handle differences and conflicts;

-- you get to be in control of your life and know the
freedom of personal self-reliance;

-- you get to have an increased sense of self worth by
feeling competent and capable of taking responsibility for
your life and personal happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicited
helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, in
order to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power ' physical, verbal, intellectual intimidation or
threats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of things
needed or wanted. The goal is to be in a 'one up, I am
right and you are wrong' position;

2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing ' doing things for others
when they do not request it, want it, or need it; helping
others so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you. The
goal is to be in the 'after all I have done for you, and
now you owe me' position;

3) Guilt shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting to
make others responsible, trying to collect for past favors.
The goal is to be in the 'it is all your fault,' or 'after
all I have done for you and now you treat me like this'
position;

4) Weakness/dependence being (or threatening to become)
helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent,
suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with the
message "if you do not take care of me, something bad is
going to happen and it will be all your fault" position.

With manipulation, there is a physical and emotional
response, such as a heightened level of anxiety or
irritation, although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest, not free
communication. The reason is the manipulator is always
invested in the outcome of a situation.

This is where boundaries differ from manipulation.

Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values and
where we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threats
or about getting the other person to do what we want. True
boundaries are not compromised by another's response.

For example, you discover that your spouse has lied to you
and has run up a large gambling debt. You discover the
problem by chance, get financial and professional help and
are back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble.
It is time for some hard decisions.

- What is your bottom line?

- What will you tolerate?

- What manipulative tactics do you use to change your
spouse's behavior? check up on them constantly, bird-dog
them, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lie
to your creditors, parents, and children' - How much
rescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection do
you run on the gambler?

- At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior
and let them know your bottom line?

You cannot make them do or not do anything. You can only
let them know what your position is and what you are
willing to do to protect yourself and those you are
responsible for.

The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is that
they keep getting louder, more threatening, and redrawn
lower and lower.

We tend to determine what our position and action is by
what the other person does, instead of voicing our true
position and then responding accordingly. This is the time
for tough decisions and actions.

In another example, a friend asks you for a ride to work
because she is having car trouble. This is the time to
establish ground rules, such as, how long will she need
your help, pick up times, expense sharing, days off, etc. A
boundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friend
know what you are willing to do and not do.

Problems arise she is frequently not on time morning and
evening. Do you wait and be late, or do you leave her? Her
car has been in the shop six weeks because she cannot
afford to get it out. She has not offered to help with the
expense, nor does she seem concerned about the
arrangement.

Your friend is using weakness to manipulate and be
dependent on you. She has transferred her problem to you
and you have accepted it by rescuing and not setting
boundaries or limits on your participation in her problem.
If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problems
as a result, she will blame you and try to make you feel
guilty. What we really want are for others to be
responsible and play fair; however, when they do not, we
either have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated and
victimized with the accompanying advantages and
disadvantages.

Lastly, often we confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.

This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting
the recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. When
we make decisions that oppose the desires of others, there
is a cost. We usually attempt to minimize that cost by
explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for that
decision, somehow thinking if they could just understand
our position, they would agree.

Applying that scenario to parent and child if a parent
makes a decision based on the best interest of the child,
it needs to be made separate from whether the child is
going to like it. When a child knows it is important to the
parent that they be happy with a decision, then it will
never be in the child's personal interest to be happy with
an unwanted decision. If a child knows that their happiness
with a parental decision is of equal importance to the
decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy
in order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt their
decision -- after all, it is always worth a try. This same
dynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.

How do we manage manipulation? By becoming more aware of
our interaction with others.

-Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it
feel like a contest?

-Are you beginning to feel anxious or irritated?

-Do you want to get out of the conversation?

-Does the interaction fit into a manipulative style?

-Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or
weakness to get your cooperation?

-Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?

-Is it easier not taking responsibility?

-Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of setting
clear boundaries?

-Are you making a distinction between a value and a
preference?

Preferences can be negotiated, but values should not.

Our society does not deal well with differences in values
and preference. We tend to take it as a personal affront
and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid
conflicts at all costs, because it feels like rejection.
What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and
calmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries. We need to
be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing and
appreciating, if not understanding, how we all are
different.

Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, is a Licensed, Clinical Social
Worker, who is an individual, couple, and family therapist
in Baton Rouge, LA.

http://codependentbounaries.blogspot.com/

Copyrighted 1994

Living Within Your Boundaries

LIVING WITHIN YOUR BOUNDARIES -

by VICTORIA PURDIE

When you are mowing your back lawn, where do you stop? At the boundary line. You don?t usually mow your neighbors back lawn as well. People need to learn boundaries in their own lives too. When not to take on other people?s anger, their problems and responsibilities.

In their book, "Boundaries" (When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life) - Dr.s Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain how lack of boundaries can affect your life, sometimes pushing you to the point of burnout or breakdown. They state that having clear boundaries is essential to living a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things which are ours and which are not. Everything inside our skin is within our own boundary. Boundaries need to be in effect in the emotional, physical, spiritual and mental areas of our life.

Learning this can bring such freedom to your life. To realize that you are only responsible for everything inside your own skin first, then any young children in your care. And it is okay to have your own treasures in the form of your own feelings, attitudes and behaviors (FAB?s). Nobody should take those away from you, they are yours.

Children from an early age need to be taught boundaries. They need to be able to say no to inappropriate behavior, and to make decisions where they reap the consequences of their choices, both good and bad. Don?t always rescue them from the consequences of their choices. You will be robbing them of a valuable opportunity to learn. And as a parent, you will need to find the fine line between being a good mother and being a slave to your children. Even a baby chick needs to be able to peck its own way out of its shell, or it will not survive.

Looking way down the track, you may find your child has grown up without firm boundaries in place in their life. They may be 20 years of age and still coming to you every week after pay day to ask for money. You find that they are spending their wages on CD?s and alcohol, before the essentials like food and rent. Then they cry poor and come to you for help. If you are constantly dishing out extra money to ?rescue' your son or daughter from their situation, you are keeping them in a state of infancy.

They are not learning to be responsible, and you are now burdened down by their problems as well as your own. Do yourself a favor and let your child reap what they sow. It shouldn?t be long before they learn from reaping the consequences of their bad decisions, and learn to stand on their own two feet, for the benefit of everyone, especially themselves. The earlier you teach reaping and sowing consequences to your children, the more independent and emotionally mature adults they will become. A small amount of emotional pain to a child can actually be a gift to them in the long run.

How do you know you might have a boundary problem as an adult? Well according to Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, there are symptoms and problems associated with taking on others burdens that are not your own. It may be depression, resentment, anger problems, obsessive or compulsive behavior, low energy levels and extreme disorganization - taking on too much, many unfinished projects and finding not enough hours in the day, especially when it comes to spending time with your children.

It may be that you just don't know how to say no to people, or if you do, you immediately feel bad and guilty afterwards. No isn't a bad word when used politely and correctly. It can mean the difference between your health and happiness, and that of your children, and in an extreme case, a nervous breakdown, or just living in a constant state of upheaval, stress, and depression.

If you are a pretty compliant type of person, you may have trouble saying no because you feel that you may hurt someone's feelings, or that they will withdraw their love from you. You may fear punishment or be afraid of abandonment or separateness. You may not want to be seen as selfish. But sometimes you will find that your no can be just what a relationship needs to grow and survive. And if it doesn?t survive the other person hearing and receiving your 'no' you can ask yourself what kind of relationship did you have with that person in the first place.

Was it about you constantly running around after them, doing everything they asked of you?. Or running yourself ragged on endless committees and organizing meetings for every social group that demands your time?

That's not true friendship or a healthy relationship, and you will probably find yourself better off without such people and more in control of yourself and family life.

A good example of this is a true story about a elderly lady in a rest home. She refused to make any friends, and wouldn?t participate in any of the organised outings or group activities. Her constant focus of each day was waiting for her niece to visit. The niece was a very compliant type of person and couldn?t possibly say no to her auntie. Every day she visited, but slowly resentment began to build up in her.

She felt pressured and guilty, if she even thought about saying that she wouldn?t be visiting the next day. Her auntie was keeping her in bondage. After hearing of the whole boundaries concept, the niece began to see how she was being manipulated by fear and guilt. She took a brave stand, and announced to her aunt that she wouldn?t be visiting so often anymore. This wasn?t initially received well, but slowly the aunt came to realize she was serious, and began to look further afield for her entertainment. She joined in with the organized outings and activities, and even began helping the other residents in the home. Not only was the niece released from her bondage, but the aunt was also better off, and so were those around her. After that when the niece did visit, she did so because she wanted to.

If you take a look at your life, think back a bit, and you may be surprised to find many situations where others were controlling you with their anger or guilt, or that you were reaping the problems of other people?s actions, even your children?s behavior. There is nothing like feeling empowered when you realize, that you are only truly responsible for yourself first. If somebody else is angry, you don?t need to take that anger on, and become angry yourself - you are two separate people.

To begin setting boundaries, you will need to start off small with little 'no's, then move onto the larger ones when appropriate.

Learn to be pro-active, setting boundaries and guidelines first, not being re-active, exploding in anger when things don't go your way later. Find out what you need and require from your partner and children, and don't be wishy washy in your yes and nos. It may be that you require more help with the housework or more shared child care.

Dr Cloud and Townsend believe that a good formula to work on, is to begin with identifying any problems that you may have in your life that could be related to poor boundary setting. Is it your problem to begin with, or is it really someones elses problem that you have taken on board physically or emotionally?.

Learn to take hold of your own treasures, your Feelings, Attitudes and Behaviors. They are very important, and no one has the right to violate you by pushing your feelings aside or trying to manipulate your behavior to their benefit.

As with most things, boundary setting is a two way street. As well as learning how to take control of your life by saying 'no' when it's appropriate without feeling guilty, you also need to hear other's people's 'no's and respect their personal boundaries.

Saying yes, when you really mean, "No, I can't possibly fit that into my schedule this week, I'm reaching exhaustion point, can't you find somebody else to help you", brings resentment. Maybe you were asked to look after 3 extra children for a friend for the whole day. You really want to say that you aren't up to it, but instead you say yes and then resentment sets in against the friend and the children as well. It's best to be honest and up front to start with.

The boundaries issues you may need to address in your own personal life, could be to do with lending people money who keep taking advantage of you, working way beyond your call of duty for an unappreciative boss, saying 'no' to somebody who constantly demands your time, or being a slave to your children when they are perfectly capable of the task ahead.

Interview with Gloria Skelton

Gloria is a mother of 4 children, two teenagers aged 18 and 15, and daughters aged 6 and 3. "I found the whole boundaries concept very interesting because I wanted to change from being a doormat to being a door where I could pick and choose."

What Gloria learned from the boundaries concept was in one word - freedom. It gave her freedom to take responsibility for herself and her younger children first, and not to take on her teenagers problems as her own. She realized she was keeping them in a state of infancy by not letting them reap the consequences of their own actions like, when it came to money and how to spend it correctly. "They weren't learning what happens when they made incorrect choices". Gloria was constantly bailing them out of their strife as any loving mother would, but found it was not actually helping them in the long run.

"I found it useful to learn how to set boundaries first, then what would happen if those boundaries were violated, i.e. the breaking of a curfew, swearing, or refusing to clean up their own mess, instead of waiting until I was mad later on when the rules had been broken. And giving reasons for the boundaries too, instead of just nagging. It helps you be more in control and calmer. This is being pro-active first and not re-active later".

"I learned how not to reap the consequences of other people?s bad decisions, and feel much happier with myself."

Interview with Kelly Stone

Kelly is a mother of two daughters, aged 7 and 4. She says, "I was raised very much as a compliant child who thought it my job to keep everybody else happy, and I hardly ever said no to anybody. It can lead to a double life, if you are always trying to be everything to everybody, to keep everyone happy at the same time, when really you are thinking, feeling and acting quite differently in private".

Kelly says it's important to recognize the sign of lack of boundaries in a child. They will begin to tell lies, because they are afraid to say no, or what they are really thinking. They are worried about losing your love and being separated from you. I?ve been teaching my girls to be really honest with me, and tell me how they are feeling, and teach them about personal boundaries as situations come up".

When it came to friends, Kelly found herself sometimes growing apart from friends, because she realized they were manipulating her, and guilting her into being friends with them. "I now choose friends more wisely", she says. "It all comes down to honesty. I don't have to be rude if I say no to someone, just honest, and that will ultimately benefit the relationship if its real and worthwhile. I also learnt to take other people saying no to me and not be offended by that".

"If you live without personal boundaries, you?ll just be miserable and find yourself wanting to withdraw from all relationships. When I look around now, I can see so much of people?s troubles are caused by lack of boundaries. It?s actually really sad?

Copyright Victoria Purdie 2000
Victoria Purdie is a mother of 3 children aged 5, 7 and 9 and is a Free Lance Writer and columnist.
to see more of her work go to: http://www.purdiephotography.com/