Emotional Eating for codependents

How to Overcome Emotional Eating

By admin on Mar 25, 2009 in Diet and Nutrition

The problem of emotional eating may end with the scale but it begins in the mind. Stress takes its toll on your life. When your defenses are compromised your health takes a hit and so do your emotions.

Everyone has good days and bad days. How we deal with the bad ones brings emotional eating into play. You look for comfort. People who turn to food for comfort find a coping mechanism that won’t judge them, hurt them or tell them to stop. To complicate the issue, eating can stimulate the release of endorphins just like exercise. So, after you eat, you feel better.

Emotional eaters use food to relieve stress. They hide behind the food instead of seeking solutions to the problems. But, how do you know you are using food in this way? The first sign is obvious. You will gain weight if you eat too much. In light of the weight gain, examine other areas of your life:

* Have you been under stress lately at work or at home?
* Has anything traumatic happened in the last year?
* Are you dealing with a problem but haven’t found a solution?

Answering “yes” to any of these questions could mean that you are an emotional eater. You eat but you are not necessarily hungry at the time. Do you typically choose comfort foods like these?

* High fat foods like French fries, fried foods
* High carb foods like macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes
* Sugary foods like ice cream, donuts, cookies, cake

There is help for emotional eaters. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. You’ll experience feelings of helplessness and guilt. The guilt is over potentially ruining your health and the helplessness lies in the fact that you don’t see a way out.

read more...

Addiction Substitution

I've always followed the problems of over eating as an addiction because for me, over eating is like sex addiction.

What do I mean by that?

Conventional Wisdom in substance abuse remedial thought is that you have to stop using before you can 'get better'

bullsh**

I'm of the opinion that all that's going to get you is substituting addictions:

• Methadone for Heroin
• AA 12 step groups for Alchohol (that's right there are people who get addicted to meetings as if that's all there is to thier lives)

What if you're addicted to sex? What are you gonna do... be celibate?

You first mother f****er

What if you're addicted to.. food? What are you gonna do then sherlock?

Both of those addictions require that you ACTUALLY heal from addiction!

There is no substitution for food (sustanence)

What passes for conventional substance abuse recovery is treating the symptom and not going after the root cause... which leads me to admire overeaters annonymous

There is a Yahoo email list that I've spent some time on and recommend it highly. 

(so what's an 'email list'? both Google and Yahoo call thier lists - groups. It is.. an online message board where each post is also emailed to the 'group' or 'list'.  You *post* a question, the whole group see's it online AND they get it in an email)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/overeaters/?v=1&t=search&ch=web&pub=groups&sec=group&slk=3

You're going to have to have a Yahoo email address to do this, that also means you're going to have a Yahoo account. email me if you get stuck, my helping is me doing the 12th step, go out and help somebody else

till next time

David Bruce

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Them's Fightin Words, or Shooting words?

A man who shot and wounded a fellow Internet chatter outside a Westchester Best Buy was sentenced to 30 years.

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This article on the surface seems like just another angry man flying off the handle, look closer and you'll see non functional boundaries at work.

It's not possible to get upset over what others say about you if you have functional boundaries!

BY DAVID OVALLE

DOVALLE@MIAMIHERALD.COM

William Cruz and Yanko Diaz first met and traded insults in a Latin Internet chat room.

In real life, words turned to bullets.

William ''Cubano35'' Cruz shot Yanko ''Latengoparada'' Diaz in May 2005 outside a Westchester Best Buy. Suspected motive: Cruz was jealous that he was left out of real-life gatherings of chat-room pals.

Cruz, 42, now must serve 30 years in prison, a Miami-Dade judge ruled Friday.

''I think that when you took those actions, you didn't care about the consequences,'' Circuit Judge Julio Jimenez told Cruz.

Diaz, 26, of Hialeah, whose Spanish screen name translates to a phrase indicating his sexual arousal, survived with bullet wounds to the right wrist and the left thumb and buttocks.

''You never know who you are dealing with on the Internet. Clever screen names don't protect you,'' said Miami-Dade prosecutor Suzanne Bell. ``Yanko Diaz almost lost his life when virtual bluster and bravado in a chat room were transformed into real bullets.''

CONVICTED IN JANUARY

Jurors convicted Cruz of second-degree attempted murder in January. During trial, prosecutors Bell and Suzanne Von Paulus told this tale:

It started in a chat room called ''Cuba1,'' accessed through Latinchat.com.

''A small group of people would talk about various things. It was a way to meet friends,'' Diaz said in a sworn affidavit. ``It was a specific group for Cubans looking to meet Cubans.''

Chatters included ''El Habanero'' (Havana Man), ''La Gata Fiera'' (The Raging Cat) and ''Dura y Peligrosa'' (Tough and Dangerous). Through chatting, Diaz even met his girlfriend, Yosandra Piedra, ''La Villana'' (The Villain).

Sometimes, the group met socially, sans Cruz. Diaz said: ``I believe this made him jealous and envious.''

Cruz began insulting people for no reason, telling them of his gun and plans to ''empty it on all of us,'' chatters said.

Cruz later claimed the chatters ganged up on him because they mistakingly believed he was mistreating a cyber girlfriend from Sweden.

Somehow, Cruz got Diaz's cellphone number. For weeks, he threatened him.

Finally on May 7, 2005, Diaz agreed to meet Cruz to talk at the Best Buy, 7755 SW 40th St., just past 9 p.m.

But as Diaz pulled up in his black Toyota Camry, Cruz appeared and shot into the car, wounding Diaz as shoppers fled for cover.

''I got you right where I want you and here is the gift I am going to give your mother for Mother's Day,'' Cruz yelled, Diaz remembered.

PERCEIVED THREAT

Cruz told police that Diaz, from behind tinted windows, may have posed a threat.

On Friday, Diaz and Piedra -- who have a son together now -- appeared in court.

A bullet remains lodged in his thigh, causing pain in cold weather and triggering alarms at airport checkpoints, Diaz told the judge.

Cruz was defiant and rambling in court, calling Diaz a liar.

''He truly believes he is a victim,'' said his defense lawyer, Rene Palomino.

Source: Miami News Herald

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Subjective Reality: Time is an illusion- 20 things you didn't know

Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so

Atheistic or Spiritual? Religious or Spiritual? Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so.. science uses those equations as gospel. Scientists have been looking at the data and to date, very few of them want to say what's staring everyone right in the face.

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Do man and woman understand love the same way?

What passes for *love* in our society is a shared hallucination

, divorce is when that hallucination recedes (IMHO).

Men perceive love one way, Women another

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Do men and women understand love in the same way, this is a questioned oft posed by the perplexed and disillusioned. Love itself is a state of being, a spiritual condition, a chemical brew. It is a priceless treasure in its power to instill peace, confidence and self esteem, a spiritual fortification to last a lifetime.

It is used as an invaluable commodity because of limited supply to ratios of demand, and the clouds of confusion, pain, battling and suffering in its name. It becomes perversely a weapon, a tool of power used to exploit its devotees and seekers in exchange for devotion or submission.

Men and women both require fidelity, understanding and support. If there exists a disparity in the balance of need, {for example one otherwise independent person is overly dependent upon the other} this leads to an arrogant sense of boastfulness, thus destroying the spirit of love and nurturing in its stead, habitual dependency humans are creatures of habit and loathe to change partners following the investment of much emotion, time and attention.

Some having undergone the adverse travails of love avoid it as one would any implement that had caused injury to ones emotion. Hence the slow but sure demise and death of love in the heart and world. The political stratagems in dominance in a relationship and the overpriced expectations of the other far exceed any sense in grabbing a few moments of ‘’love’’ for what can become a nightmarish inextricable tryst where one bleeds the other.

The unfortunate oft occurring practice is the one bitten twice shy idiom, whereby ones cold and brutal attitude towards love or any purveyors of the same tend to coerce a situation where ones pessimisms is in danger of becoming a self executed prophecy. Man passes through many relationships, and gains understanding and maturity. The objective is to be a master, creator and inspirer of love, that you be able to alight its flame where so your heart desires than be fixated or broken by one who may not be ready for love or has diminished need and understanding …

***Love is a fragile spun thread, broken and shattered as quickly as it is woven and threaded into ones heart. Breathes life into the soul, filling the senses with the fragrant perfume of many summers. It requires but one sharp rebuke to demolish loves temple. Thus it is said love if for the courageous, brave hearted and great souled, for its fires light and warmth bring immortality to the earthbound mortal. Cupids are few and greater lurk the demons of love, preying upon Loves Angels until love is extinguished in envious ire. Thus love itself seeks a sanctum wherein to dwell and flourish, radiate its glorious light, and be freed from the ravages of sinful usurpers... Love that itself spends life spurned and repudiated for its refusal to descend where the hateful dwell. Love itself seeks a refuge in the devout and steadfast heart, how then can mortals condemn Love who themselves have turned for more enticing things of ill deceit, or for newer pastures and more ardent ways…

Love should begin upon passing through all ones trials and tribulations rather than be spurned as one may feel dejected by its cold and harsh administrations. Love is better gained when one least requires it, and none are more beautiful than the spiritually content self absorbed souls. To live is to love and to love is truly living, loved be


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This is one example of how exagerated some people's perception of what Love is and what it *should be*.




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below are some of the comments to this yahoo answers post:

Sometimes that some 'may' understand love the same way naturally. Although mostly still just really doesn't..I think men and women have distinctive characters of their own and even in both genders. It may also reflect on how they view love based upon their own concept and beliefs or up bringing (influences). Then how they manifest it into their lives..As well as to express it accordingly respectively of one's individuality.
However, I may think of men as that of by masculine in nature are more usually passively with their expressions and how they may understand nor respond to love comparable to women who are the femnine in nature. A relationship builder and a nurturer, as love could be expressed and understood from these natural capacities much better.
No matter how may differences arise. Goals are achieved in love by the balancing of our good qualities & even flawed natures as human creatures. Between a man and a woman..Between a masculine and feminine energy. Love is also manifested in mutual correspondences that link eachother to harmonize, Then it blossoms into the same path of understanding. From there we become one..in love's fullest fulfillment.
My inspiration are all the wiser people above me..& most of all 'love'.


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think both understand what love is but have different expectations and also express love differently in certain ways. I think a lot of women aren't afraid to show their true love feelings, whereas some men seem to think it a weakness to show too much love. Thats not to say that there are the odd few men out there that aren't afraid to show their heartfelt feelings all the time, i just think it is maybe a bit easier for a woman to show emotions, especially love, more often...

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Drug Rehab Really Does Work If It Is Done Right

What Good is Drug Rehab?

With all the media coverage about celebrities "returning" for more drug rehab, some of them for the third or fourth time, many people are getting the idea that rehab doesn't really work. Some people are beginning to think that public funding for drug rehab programs is a waste of tax dollars. The fact is, lifelong recovery from alcohol and drug addiction is almost a certainty when drug rehab is done right.

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The public's lack of trust in drug rehab programs is leading to some dangerously bad ideas, such as putting people addicted to alcohol or drugs on some other drug, or worse, legalizing drugs. These are not solutions, they are problems masquerading as solutions. The call for legalization of drugs is the most compelling evidence that drug rehab is basically a hit-or-miss failure in many, if not most, settings. This is total surrender, a complete capitulation to the power of drugs. It says, "Okay, drugs. You win. Come on in and rule our lives because there's nothing we can do about you."

Putting heroin addicts on methadone is another testament to the failure of most approaches to rehab. Methadone "replacement therapy" is entrenched across the country and around the world. Addicts remain addicted to a "legal" drug instead of an illegal one. The idea of getting free of drugs has simply been abandoned. The thought process that leads to this non-solution is, "Drug rehab probably won't work, and it's going to be too much trouble to try to save this person anyway. At least they won't share contaminated needles and they might get some of their life back. Of course, they're addicted to this drug now, but what else can we do about it?"

Another example of "replacement therapy" is putting drug addicts, and especially alcoholics, on addiction-blocking drugs such as naltrexone. This drug prevents the brain's receptors from responding to opiate drugs and alcohol, and actually works for a while to reduce the craving for the substance. Sounds good, right? The problem is, naltrexone blocks all pleasure responses. Life just turns gray and isn't really worth living. And worse, it can increase the possibility of an opiate overdose, which can be fatal.

In any of these kinds of situations, we are simply trading one drug (and often a new addiction) for another. This makes the pharmaceutical companies happy, but it does not achieve any kind of rehabilitation for the addicted persons. So why are we not putting unfortunate drug-dependent people through drug rehab programs? The answer is clear - many programs have abysmal success rates. They don't have all the elements in place that can make drug rehab successful.

The drug rehab program you choose should empower you, so that you accomplish life long freedom from drug use. It should take you through detox and withdrawal and ensure that you repair the damage drugs have done to your life. It puts you back in control and functioning in society again - enjoying good family relationships, holding down a job and living a successful drug-free life.

All drug rehab programs are not created equal. There are drug rehab centers that successfully address all the issues. If you or someone you care about needs help with alcohol or drug addiction, contact a drug rehab program counselor who knows what works and can help you find a successful drug rehab program.

Rod MacTaggart is a freelance writer who contributes articles on health.

info@drugrehabreferral.com

http://www.drugrehabreferral.com

Expecting a special dispensation

What are "bad boundaries"?

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A More useful description would be "less than functional boundaries".  Healthy boundaries aren't a 'cut n dry' proposition. And they aren't all or nothing deals either.

A person can have functional boundaries in many areas of their lives, maybe even MOST areas of their lives... but when it comes to a certain area...they let people walk all over them.

OR, they are balanced individuals most of the time, but when a particular situation comes up, they become tyrants or cry babies or vindictive.. all three behaviors are direct results of boundary issues being out of balance.

A healthy boundary isn't a wall.

If you had a "less than functional" boundary where you kept letting people hurt you, you continually fell for members of the opposite sex that you knew were going to cheat on you .

(and don't give me that "I didn't know" crap... on a subconscious level you knew... that's why you picked em... but that is a blog post unto itself)

Or you were 'inept' socially, where you kept getting yourself into a situation where people would humiliate you, you feared opening your mouth in public because you just couldn't keep yourself from saying something inappropriate.

and you decided that it hurt

and the only thing you could do to protect yourself is withdraw (to a safe distance)

that's a wall.. it's NOT a boundary

Victim behavior is the natural progression of less than functional boundaries.

If you can't protect yourself, if you keep stepping in a hole because you don't see it.. and you do this all the time.. and from your perspective it looks like LIFE is DOING THIS TO YOU.

(it's not, you're actually doing to yourself, but you can't see that from the seat you've taken in lifes arena)

What are you going to do?

Expect a special dispensation

You expect 'extra consideration' because life took a sh** on you.

You poor baby...  the fates have conspired against you.

You're the best worst that ever lived

You've been dealt a crappy hand, and therefore you should be allowed a 'extra' turn, standard penalties don't apply to you... ever one else gets 5 points on thier licence and they loose it.

but because you've been dealt a crappy hand (your an orphan, or a sex abuse survivor or what ever... you child died (I know this one, my son died at age 5 months so don't even go there with me on this one!)

and you somehow feel you're entitled.. entitled to an extra "Pass Go and collect $200"

It's late and I've got to get up in a few hours.. I do feel better now that I posted to this blog though

Merry Christmas (I forgot to post on Christmas day, sorry my bad)

Upsetting the status quo

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you in this noble endeavor!

Why?

Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional
pattern.

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old
testament.

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning.

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Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes.

In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

How Do Healthy Families Work?

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted.

Family members can freely ask for and give attention.

Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.

Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities.

Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some common problems associated with each.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

Deficient Parents

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood.



Controlling Parents

Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.

Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics.

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This help yourself originally written and developed in 1993 by Sheryl A. Benton, Ph.D., University Counseling Services; updated/modified for the internet in 1997 by Dorinda J. Lambert,
Ph.D..

http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/csweb/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html

Family Systems Theory

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

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The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements.

Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways.


Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.


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Healing Shame the Shame That Binds You, on DVD


John Bradshaw offers his perspective on ways multi-generational shame is transmitted in family systems and is the root cause of addictive and compulsive behaviors. John describes how family-of-origin rules and attitudes become encoded in each family member and how shame in engendered through abandonment and rejection. This type of dysfunctional family system can lead to generations of dysfunctional families, abusers and addicts
contaminating each new family in its wake.

Without this intervention, shame will continue to fuel the fire of addictions. John offers therapy and treatment methods to heal and stop the insanity of the past, and concrete ways to re-script, enhance and enrich lives.

Fix this damn post later... running out of time...

Characteristics of Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

...My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

...My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

...Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

...My mental attention is focused on you

...My mental attention is focused on protecting you

...My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

...My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

...My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

...My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

...Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

...I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

...The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

...My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

...My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

...I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

...My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

...I put my values aside in order to connect with you

...I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

...The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of your

s


There is a newsgroup frequented by those interested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency



Reprinted with permission from Recovery & Sobriety Resources

By Terry M., Webservant