Put Upon Is Illusory - figment of YOUR imagination

There is no such thing as someone manipulating you into or backing you into a corner, thus "causing" you to fell "Put Upon"

My 77 year old mother used to use that phrase "put upon", I had to look it up:

https://www.google.com/search?q=etiology+of+the+phrase+put+upon

If you are put-upon, you are treated badly by someone who takes advantage of your willingness to help them.

From what I've gathered, Put Upon was derived from the Latin imposui meant "put upon", and that meaning carried over into English in impose.

If you've agreed to do X, for a person, and that person has baited you.. which is to say, led you to believe X is all they were asking.. but NOW they're expecting X PLUS Y and hinting that you "owe them" Z as well...

that person has just crossed a boundary

they are, in essence, no longer "someone you agreed to help".. they've just crossed into "Predator"

you're now "Off The Hook"

they no longer have any "entitlement" to "guilt you"

they were the one's who "broke the agreement"

IF YOU INSIST ON FEELING PUT UPON.. after knowing all this.. it's on YOU

the feeling of being "put upon" is a SELF INFLICTED WOUND

Why You Don't Want To Set Boundaries

The reason codependents don't want to have to set boundaries is... they WANT to feel "put upon".

Codependents want others to "walk on egg shells".. they set themselves up to have their boundaries violated.. so they can then "expect" those close to them to feel obliged to offer pity.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

case in point.. I'm a sponsor for ... this person constantly accepts charity jobs.. BUT.. they are uncomfortable with clearly delineating what it is they're willing to do ( for free ) and at what point, the client is asking too much

...they have this erroneous idea that "having to set boundaries" is "being an ass hole"

from their perspective.. people who clearly state, in advance: this is what I'm willing to do and any request beyond this is asking too much... is being an ass hole.

it is not

when ends up happening, over and over is.. the person asking for pro bono help.. has NO IDEA what "too much" is, or isn't.

my client, then fumes.. allows themselves to feel "put upon".. when, in reality, this is a self inflicted wound.

My 77 year old mother used to use that phrase "put upon", I had to look it up:

https://www.google.com/search?q=etiology+of+the+phrase+put+upon

If you are put-upon, you are treated badly by someone who takes advantage of your willingness to help them.

Any teacher worth their salt should have at least two ways of explaining something that, by it's very nature is, abstract or "can't see it from where you are"

For example... because if you don't have functional boundaries, you cannot easily see what it is we're describing, it's like describing a ship by the wake it leaves in the water...

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors:

Let's say your next door neighbors are having an outside party...and you don't want them treading on YOUR lawn.. IF.. and this is a big IF, If your back yard lots were, say, rectangular, and both your back yard AND your neighbor's back yard were the same dimensions, AND if at each corner of the lots were, some sort of fence post..

then and ONLY then, do you have some sort of right to be pissed off.. the "transgressor" should have easily seen the boundaries

BUT

Let's say your back yard is kinda pizza sliced shape, or more triangular than rectangular... and there are no posts on each corner

sorta like this:

then the party goers in the next yard, HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING that they may, or may NOT have crossed over the boundary INTO YOUR YARD...

in this instance.. you have NO RIGHT to get pissed.. if you didn't want folks to cross your boundary, then it's incumbent upon YOU to clearly delineate "this side is yours to do with as you please, but over here.. this is MINE, do not transgress

What Codependents do however.. is have this (erroneous) fantasy that "they should have known"

or worse yet.. they're baiting the other person into "transgressing" for the express purpose of guilting them, which makes YOU a predator

You Have No Interest In Getting Better

Subconsciously you want to be a victim

inconvenient truth about codependency

what I'm about to say might seem harsh

the reason you're not willing to entertain monitoring your internal self talk is...

the reason you're unwilling to undertake anything that will actually make your life easier is...

You want something and your sub conscious does not

It's irrelevant if you want, if you intellectually want to have better relationships with others, have a better relationship with yourself

Your sub conscious wants OTHERWISE

if it wants something and you don't... YOU LOOSE

the reason you want to have a nemesis, the reason you want to live in a constant state of being afflicted by outside forces vexing you is...

you really want something to complain about

if you were to do anything to

Manipulation Only Bothers Weak People?

You can't be manipulated, if you feel you're often being manipulated, you're not gonna want to hear that.

The fact is... you cannot be manipulated without being manipulatABLE.

And that is a self inflicted wound.

The only people who are concerned about boundaries are people who keep getting pushed around, think about it.. .if you're a bully ( and you might be even if you don't see yourself as being a bully ) you successfully navigate the ups and downs of your life by this maxim:

The Best Defense is a Good Offence

From the bullies perspective, it's a

• dog eat dog world
• eat or be eaten
• screw them before they screw you

If those are your word view then it would seem normal, to you, that

having a manipulative skill set would be something useful or even necessary

From your perspective, being a bully is a good thing
it is not, but you can't see that from where you are

Aggressive People Don't Complain About Boundaries

You Cannot Be Manipulated Without FIRST Being ManipulatABLE

The only folks concerned about boundaries problems are those on the shi*y end of the stick.

There are people who "tend to" be pretty good at not getting taken advantage of ( not that that's a bad thing)

There are people who "tend to" have a pattern of not covering their own back

CYA (Cover Your Ass.)

Boundaries or lack thereof in the Movies - Henry's Crime

I just watched the movie Henry's Crime with Keanu Reeves, James Cann and Vera Farmiga.

In this movie Henry has an "empty life", there isn't anything "wrong" with it.. he has a wife, a job, a car, a house.. yet he is obviously empty inside.
Codependency does that to you.

He has almost no internal boundaries, he agrees to stuff and doesn't really know why.. he has difficulty in saying "NO" to almost everybody.

Early in the movie a high school friend shows up on his door step, the guy is a shyster, a petty crook, a manipulator.. in short he is a predator and remembers that Henry is "prey"

codependents frequently set themselves up as "prey"

OR.. being Prey is intolerable.... so codas often can cover up their deep rooted feelings of inadequacy by becoming manipulative or even aggressive, bullies are more codependent than the people they prey on.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/henrys_crime_2010/

Henry wants out of his life.. it feels so empty he would rather go to jail for a crime he did not commit

Psychologicial Reversal - Part Of You Wants Something And You Want Something Else

What is Psychological Reversal?
In 1980 top American psychologist Dr Roger Callahan invented a new treatment for psychological problems called Thought Field Therapy (TFT).
Source WorldwideHealth.com

In context of his audio series, Dr Robert Anthony explains Psychological Reversal as "our sub conscious is holding some contradictory interntion than our conscious mind"

"... to put it simply, you want something, and your sub conscious doesn't"

Similar to and often in combination to what Family Systems Theory calls "secondary gain"

What is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is a psychiatric term meaning that a person has a hidden reason for holding onto an undesirable condition. Frequently this reason is unconscious. It is obviously unconscious because the loss of holding onto the condition is often far greater than the perceived gain.

For example, this term is often used in chronic pain management. Chronic pain is pain that continues on past the time of an injury being healed, often having no apparent cause in the present. Finding and releasing the perception of secondary gain, such as the attention one receives, monetary compensation for disability, or just the need to deny the original cause of the pain, can greatly contribute to healing.
Source Circles Of Light

This is not to be confused with Reverse Psychology according to Dictionary.com:

a method of getting another person to do what one wants by pretending not to want it or to want something else or something more.

This site is for informational purposes only: Disclaimer: if you are in crisis contact a local to you hotline and/ or seek professional psychiatric help

Status Quo, your family will not want you to get better

What came first?
the chicken or the egg?

With boundaries it's not just "YOUR boundaries", it's your families boundaries that are in play.

You can't be a victim in a vacuum

What does this mean in English?

You realize you have less than functional boundaries
what does that mean?

You let others (allow others, fail to object to...) treat you with a lack of respect
why would they do that?

Boundaries aren't "you" or "about you", they are "ABOUT" the interaction/ the interplay/ an interpersonal relationship

The "pecking order" is currently interpreted by others as "you are one down" making them "one up"

"OneUpmanship" is THE underlying theme in codependency.

the other people who interact with you, for what ever reason, (doesn't matter if the egg came first or the chicken came first), they LIKE being "one up"

Let's say you have a history of drug abuse, that means someone else has had to "cover for you", you have let someone down, now more than likely that person is a family member

After a while they will resent (rightfully so) the fact that you've failed them in some way

Soon after that they will "collect injustices", you will be running a "defiecit" with this family member

What niether of you realize is, without them "setting out to do so", they "LIKE" being "one up"

Let's say time passes, you "get better"

the family member in question doesn't realize they WANT the status quo to change, they LIKE being one up...

Now you need to restructure your boundaries with that person

.... and you're shocked to find out, they actually don't WANT YOU TO GET BETTER

Being Valuable

Being Valuable
From Letting Go by Melody Beattie



Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections – not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us
vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn’t respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.

We learn from our mistakes – and despite our mistakes, it is a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don’t scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.



Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.

Boundaries Are Containers For Self Esteem

Boundaries and Self Esteem
You don't have to be codependent to be concerned about Self Esteem. Everyone knows self esteem is important, most of us know our self esteem could use some boosting.

Codependents ARE codependent because their boundaries are damaged. Problem is almost no one (therapists included) are in agreement with a functional definition of exactly what boundaries are or what they look like.

The only people concerned with functional boundaries are those on the "shi*y end of the stick"

If you find your self constantly being "walked on" or if you have a pattern of repeatedly setting yourself up to be taken advantage of... you have less than functional boundaries. We can't call them "good boundaries" or "bad boundaries" because it's a subjective thing, who is to say what is "good" or "bad"?

I prefer to refer to boundaries as either functional or less than functional.

Why To Is More Important Then How To


What does having functional boundaries do for you?
They are the "container" for your sense of self, boundaries are where you end and other people begin.
If you have less than functional boundaries, you think it's normal for other peoples problems or issues affect you. In actuality, you don't have a "nickle in it". Non codependent people don't allow themselves to be manipulated or get caught up in "drama".
We do unfortunately, for some reason, we think this is normal.
We don't even notice that it isn't normal....

fold your arms
now fold them the other way
... feels funny doesn't it?

That's what it feels like to "train yourself" to rethink what normal is and doesn't have to be.

Self Esteem


No boundaries, no self esteem.
boundaries are the container for self esteem, without boundaries we don't have a "box" to put boundaries in!