Boundaries or lack thereof in the Movies - Henry's Crime

I just watched the movie Henry's Crime with Keanu Reeves, James Cann and Vera Farmiga.

In this movie Henry has an "empty life", there isn't anything "wrong" with it.. he has a wife, a job, a car, a house.. yet he is obviously empty inside.
Codependency does that to you.

He has almost no internal boundaries, he agrees to stuff and doesn't really know why.. he has difficulty in saying "NO" to almost everybody.

Early in the movie a high school friend shows up on his door step, the guy is a shyster, a petty crook, a manipulator.. in short he is a predator and remembers that Henry is "prey"

codependents frequently set themselves up as "prey"

OR.. being Prey is intolerable.... so codas often can cover up their deep rooted feelings of inadequacy by becoming manipulative or even aggressive, bullies are more codependent than the people they prey on.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/henrys_crime_2010/

Henry wants out of his life.. it feels so empty he would rather go to jail for a crime he did not commit

Psychologicial Reversal - Part Of You Wants Something And You Want Something Else

What is Psychological Reversal?
In 1980 top American psychologist Dr Roger Callahan invented a new treatment for psychological problems called Thought Field Therapy (TFT).
Source WorldwideHealth.com

In context of his audio series, Dr Robert Anthony explains Psychological Reversal as "our sub conscious is holding some contradictory interntion than our conscious mind"

"... to put it simply, you want something, and your sub conscious doesn't"

Similar to and often in combination to what Family Systems Theory calls "secondary gain"

What is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is a psychiatric term meaning that a person has a hidden reason for holding onto an undesirable condition. Frequently this reason is unconscious. It is obviously unconscious because the loss of holding onto the condition is often far greater than the perceived gain.

For example, this term is often used in chronic pain management. Chronic pain is pain that continues on past the time of an injury being healed, often having no apparent cause in the present. Finding and releasing the perception of secondary gain, such as the attention one receives, monetary compensation for disability, or just the need to deny the original cause of the pain, can greatly contribute to healing.
Source Circles Of Light

This is not to be confused with Reverse Psychology according to Dictionary.com:

a method of getting another person to do what one wants by pretending not to want it or to want something else or something more.

This site is for informational purposes only: Disclaimer: if you are in crisis contact a local to you hotline and/ or seek professional psychiatric help

Status Quo, your family will not want you to get better

What came first?
the chicken or the egg?

With boundaries it's not just "YOUR boundaries", it's your families boundaries that are in play.

You can't be a victim in a vacuum

What does this mean in English?

You realize you have less than functional boundaries
what does that mean?

You let others (allow others, fail to object to...) treat you with a lack of respect
why would they do that?

Boundaries aren't "you" or "about you", they are "ABOUT" the interaction/ the interplay/ an interpersonal relationship

The "pecking order" is currently interpreted by others as "you are one down" making them "one up"

"OneUpmanship" is THE underlying theme in codependency.

the other people who interact with you, for what ever reason, (doesn't matter if the egg came first or the chicken came first), they LIKE being "one up"

Let's say you have a history of drug abuse, that means someone else has had to "cover for you", you have let someone down, now more than likely that person is a family member

After a while they will resent (rightfully so) the fact that you've failed them in some way

Soon after that they will "collect injustices", you will be running a "defiecit" with this family member

What niether of you realize is, without them "setting out to do so", they "LIKE" being "one up"

Let's say time passes, you "get better"

the family member in question doesn't realize they WANT the status quo to change, they LIKE being one up...

Now you need to restructure your boundaries with that person

.... and you're shocked to find out, they actually don't WANT YOU TO GET BETTER

Being Valuable

Being Valuable
From Letting Go by Melody Beattie



Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections – not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us
vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn’t respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.

We learn from our mistakes – and despite our mistakes, it is a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don’t scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.



Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.

Boundaries Are Containers For Self Esteem

Boundaries and Self Esteem
You don't have to be codependent to be concerned about Self Esteem. Everyone knows self esteem is important, most of us know our self esteem could use some boosting.

Codependents ARE codependent because their boundaries are damaged. Problem is almost no one (therapists included) are in agreement with a functional definition of exactly what boundaries are or what they look like.

The only people concerned with functional boundaries are those on the "shi*y end of the stick"

If you find your self constantly being "walked on" or if you have a pattern of repeatedly setting yourself up to be taken advantage of... you have less than functional boundaries. We can't call them "good boundaries" or "bad boundaries" because it's a subjective thing, who is to say what is "good" or "bad"?

I prefer to refer to boundaries as either functional or less than functional.

Why To Is More Important Then How To


What does having functional boundaries do for you?
They are the "container" for your sense of self, boundaries are where you end and other people begin.
If you have less than functional boundaries, you think it's normal for other peoples problems or issues affect you. In actuality, you don't have a "nickle in it". Non codependent people don't allow themselves to be manipulated or get caught up in "drama".
We do unfortunately, for some reason, we think this is normal.
We don't even notice that it isn't normal....

fold your arms
now fold them the other way
... feels funny doesn't it?

That's what it feels like to "train yourself" to rethink what normal is and doesn't have to be.

Self Esteem


No boundaries, no self esteem.
boundaries are the container for self esteem, without boundaries we don't have a "box" to put boundaries in!

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

We all need healthy boundaries. Our boundary defines who we are and
determines how we are able to interact and relate to the world,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My boundary lets me know
where I end and you begin. My boundary allows me to express who I am
and allows you to do the same. If we grew up in a dysfunctional
family, inconsistent and various forms of abuse influenced our
ability to form and maintain our boundaries. We also have
difficulty identifying the boundaries of others.

Damaged boundaries is another symptom of codependency.

A primary cause of conflict and difficulties in relationships lies in
unhealthy boundaries. My boundary is my container. When I am too
contained or not contained enough, then problems in relationships
result. Healing and restoring our boundary is a part of the recovery
process. It does not happen overnight.

Our physical boundary

Sets our need and right to physical space and safety; including our
needs and rights in sexual interaction with others.

Our emotional or internal boundary

Sets our emotional needs, rights and safety; including our right to
our thoughts and actions.

If I develop an overly protective boundary, my ability to be in
healthy relationships with others is compromised. It like being in a
shell, like a turtle. No one can get it and I can't get out. The give
and take, back and forth flow in a relationship is hampered.

The other extreme is a lack of a sense of boundary. I cannot
experience myself as separate from others. My container is faulty and
all the contents spill out just like an egg when the shell is broken.
It becomes difficult to distinguish myself from others. I feel my
feelings and all of your feelings too. I begin to define myself
according to your definition. I lost my own identity. My
feelings are your feelings, my thoughts are your thoughts, and I
behave the way I think you want me to.

A healthy boundary is like the permeable membrane of a cell. It
controls what goes in and out. It determines what it needs and goes
for it. There is a back and forth flow.

As our self-esteem increases in recovery,
so will the health of our boundaries.

In review:

*The rigid boundary is like an impenetrable wall.
Nothing can go in or come out.

*No boundary - The person is unprotected.
Everything can flood in and flood out.

*Partial boundaries work sometimes but are not reliable.
*Healthy boundaries protect the individual,
and the person can choose what comes in and goes out.

Other Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries:

Sexual:

1.. Having sex when you do not want to
2.. Falling in love at first sight. Actually this is impossible.
You cannot love someone you do not know. It's actually infatuation.
3.. Intimate sharing on first meeting
4.. Using sex as a reward or punishment
5.. Inability to distinguish between love and sex.
6.. Manipulating another person through sex
7.. Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
8.. Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
9.. Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
10.. Sexual abuse

Physical:

1.. Touching others without asking
2.. Physical intimidation
3.. Not allowing others privacy
4.. Not protecting your own need for privacy
5.. Physical abuse

Emotional:

1.. Verbal abuse
2.. Making threats
3.. Assuming I know what someone else feels
4.. Assuming others know what I feel
5.. Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
6.. Assuming to know the needs of others
7.. Over-reaction to feelings or behaviors of others
8.. Insisting others tell us how they feel
9.. Not respecting the rights of others
10.. Intolerance to differences of opinion
11.. Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
12.. Inability to ask for help
13.. Personalizing
14.. Need for constant reassurance from others
15.. Going against personal values and morals to please others
16.. Unclear preferences
17.. Accepting gifts that I don't want
18.. Making material gifts the measure of another's caring
19.. Over giving
20.. Frequent advice-giving with expectation that others follow it.

Descriptions of Boundaries

Rigid Boundaries: Physical

1.. Stiff body posture
2.. Stoic
3.. Uncomfortable being touched
4.. Avoids touching or showing affection to others
5.. Avoids physical closeness
6.. Does not reach or under-reacts
7.. Stone face
8.. Very predictable behavior

Rigid Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
2.. Appears aloof and disinterested
3.. Does not show feelings
4.. Does not talk about feelings
5.. Seems emotionally numb
6.. Attempts to meet needs and wants by themselves
7.. Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
8.. Does not react or under-reacts emotionally
9.. Has difficulty giving or receiving from others

No Boundaries: Physical

1.. Does not like being alone
2.. Touches others without asking
3.. Allows others to touch him/her
    even when it uncomfortable or inappropriate

4.. Is not aware of own need for privacy
5.. Imposes on the privacy of others
6.. Allows physical space to be invaded
7.. Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
8.. Personalizes
9.. Behavior is influenced by others
10.. Is unpredictable

No Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Feels everything
2.. feels the feelings of others
3.. Cannot contain feelings
4.. Over-discloses, tells too much
5.. Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
6.. Gets too close too fast
7.. Feels like a victim
8.. Experiences prolonged resentments
9.. Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
10.. Says "yes" when he/she wants to say "no"
11.. Feels responsible for the feelings of others
12.. Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
13.. overcompensates
14.. Expects others to meet needs
15.. Gives too much
16.. Takes too much
17.. Unable to respect the rights of others

Partial Boundaries: Physical

1.. May have extremes in need for physical space.
2.. Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
3.. May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances
    and fragile boundaries in others.

Partial Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Has mood swings
2.. Is indirect, e.g., Shares feelings about marriage with mother
rather than with husband. Is emotionally inconsistent. - May have
rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile
boundaries particularly in intimate relationships.

Healthy Boundaries: Physical

1.. Makes physical boundary clear to others
2.. Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
3.. Is able to negotiate and compromise
4.. Asks permission before touching others

Healthy Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Shares feelings appropriately and directly
2.. Is assertive
3.. Is interdependent
4.. Identifies choices
5.. Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
6.. Has an internal sense of personal identity
7.. Can allow "differences" in others
8.. Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion
    without altering their own
9.. Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)

My Boundaries:

What kind of boundary do I have?
Where in my life is it the hardest to have a healthy boundary?
What changes would I like to make in my boundary?
What do I need to do to make these changes?

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

So you think you've got problems?

Codependents cling to their victim behavior as if it was an old friend

.. if you suddenly were not a victim anymore, if the fates suddenly stopped conspiring against you.

... you no longer had an external force to blame for your less than fortunate circumstances.

Codependents who "get better", more often than not unconsciously "Miss" their victim role, as if it was a long lost friend who you were so comfortable with you can't imagine living in a world without "Him" or "It"

It's not possible to be codependent without being someone who prefers to be a victim.

Codependents arrange their lives so something outside of them, some circumstance that appears to be beyond their control is preventing them from being functional.

I'm saying, not only do you like it that way, if you "got better", you'd Crave to go back to where it was someone or something else's "fault".

If you want to end this pattern, I'm saying you need to change internally, change your perception, change your attitude.

In our culture, attitude is looked down on as if it was a red headed step child, an also ran, it's not given anywhere near the credit it's due. Western ideas have frowned upon the subjective and worships the scientific process.

Attitude can alter, effect, improve, cause stuff to change way, way, WAY beyond what most of us are willing to assign a value to.

The little girl in this story has a positive attitude that could make the the economy rebound.

Watch this incredible story and adjust your attitude to a fraction of hers and I'm of the opinion what ever is dragging you down (what ever the circumstances) will "get better"

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Sugar and it's Destructive Effect

Sugar isn't as sweet as it seems.

This is the first in a series of articles on blood sugar and it's effect on codependency.

Sugar, if abused IS drug abuse... just as devastating as Cocaine abuse or Coffee abuse

Second feature article: Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

A lifetime of eating a high sugar diet (most Americans are eating upwards of 20.5 teaspoons a day), and too many carbohydrates, is a real concern. And if you've noticed, we've been hearing a lot about blood sugar lately.

It used to be something you didn't pay attention to until late in life—but given the typical American diet and lifestyle, it's now become something we all need to be aware of. I firmly believe we all need to pay attention to our blood sugar—and it's never too early to start, especially if you're already dealing with glucose issues.

Here's what happens. The sugars and starches you eat are converted to glucose (blood sugar), which enters your bloodstream to be transported to the cells where it's burned for energy. This is where insulin comes in. It "unlocks" your cell walls so the glucose can enter, but in order for this to work, your cells need to be sensitive to insulin.

When your cells aren't sensitive to insulin, your body has to do something with the glucose. It converts some of it into fat, and the rest can become AGEs (advanced glycation end products)—which can build up in the tissues, and affect cellular function. The bottom line is you want to be sensitive to insulin.

====

Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

Human touch is almost as necessary to life as air, water and food. Some people might argue that it is as important. We need to be held by our parents or a caregiver when we are newborns and as children we look for hugs when we fall and scrape our knees. As adults, we still need to be touched–in appropriate and healthy ways, of course.

Perhaps that’s why many hospitals worldwide have started incorporating therapeutic touch, Reiki, and other forms of healing touch into hospice care. As an example, the The Portsmouth Regional Hospital in New Hampshire has provided well over 8,000 Reiki treatments to patients since 1995. Reiki (pronounced “ray-key”) is a Japanese healing art that involves laying-on of hands to channel universal healing energy through the practitioner to the recipient. The word “Reiki” is Japanese for “universal life energy.”

The highly successful Reiki program, started by Patricia Alandydy, BSN, RN, offers Reiki treatments in every department of the hospital. Now, patients can have Reiki alongside more conventional surgeries, radiation, and other treatments.

And research is documenting the positive healing effects of Reiki and healing touch on diseases like cancer, heart disease, endocrine disorders, immune disorders, orthopedic conditions and injuries, pain, post-operative recovery, and psychological disorders. In one study at St. Clare’s Center for Complementary Medicine, Memorial Sloan Kettering Oncology Complementary Medicine Pilot Porgram, complementary therapies of meditation, healing touch, reflexology, Reiki, massage, and acupuncture were administered to outpatients. Patients who received Reiki or healing touch showed an average reduction in pain by 48 percent.

In a study of 48 patients who had total knee replacement surgery, along with pain and mobility impairment, those who experienced healing touch showed 30.6 percent greater mobility only 2 days after the surgery than those who had only conventional therapy, and 27 percent greater mobility than those people who experienced a placebo-type version of healing touch therapy.

The power of touch to heal is immense. In a world driven primarily by work and responsibilities, touch therapy has the capacity to help us slow down, experience the compassion of another human being, and heal our bodies, minds, and spirits."

read more at Care2.com

Excercize and Right Brain Activity

Wake Up to the Importance of Exercise
Working Out Improves Sleep Patterns

You stayed up late last night to finish a project, woke up groggy only to realize that you'd slept through the alarm clock, skipped breakfast, then almost fell asleep in the middle of an important morning meeting. It's now mid-afternoon and, as you're having yet another cup of coffee to stifle yet another yawn, you realize you're seemingly sleep walking through your days.

You're not the only one. Nightly sleep for the average American has dropped from 10 hours (before the invention of the lightbulb) to 6.9 hours, with a third of adults now getting even less than that! In fact, nearly half of all adults admit they...
Read Entire Article

RIGHT BRAIN ACTIVITY Right brain activity tends to be creative and innovative in character while left brain activity is rational and step-wise. The left brain controls the right side of the body and the right brain controls the left side of the body. Although it is not true that all left-handed people are more creative than right-handed people, many lefties are indeed creative. Ideally, both left- and right-handed people would be able to combine brain hemispheres and be both creative and rational. Unfortunately, most of us are either one or the other and combining both is not taught well in our schools, society, or by our peers. The right brain contains the fifth brain circuit which is a holistic, superconscious state and is a major goal of Tantric rituals. Opening the fifth brain circuit, represented by Tiphareth in the Tree of Life, brings the feeling of bliss, a vision of wholeness, the abililty to see holistically, and a neurosomatic ability, among many other benefits. It is also the first step to even higher brain circuits with abilities we almost never tap into. Another right brain activity is sex. The fourth brain circuit, the sexual circuit is located in the right hemisphere of our brains. When this brain circuit is energized, chemical changes are made in the body and brain which are enormously healing, inspirational, and energizing. This energy and chemistry can be used to awaken and energize the fifth brain circuit, creating even more chemical changes in the body of a highly desirable nature. We can heal our bodies with the chemical changes these brain circuits produce (neurosomatic means mind over matter) and many Tantric rituals, many techniques of the Tree of Life, and much of the teachings of the Tao are designed in such a way as to energize these two circuits. Methods of opening the right brain functions abound and include music, sex, art, exercise, massage, color therapy, aroma therapy, accupressure, polarity therapy, and much more. This book is about Tantra which is the attainment of spiritual values through control of sexual energy. Therefore, we will discuss principally the manner in which sex is used to open the right brain functions and specifically the fourth and fifth brain circuits. In our fore-brain, the frontal lobes, there are several more brain circuits seldom or never used consciously by the average person. We will also discuss later how to open these brain circuits by using the paths created by activating the right brain circuits. The reason sex is emphasized here is because this is the energy which is used to open the even higher and more powerful brain circuits available in our frontal lobe areas, the so-called "new brain" unique to humans and so seldom used by any of us.

Einstien as the codependent rebel?

Einstein's Very, Very Good Year
By David Bodanis, David Bodanis taught at Oxford University for many years. He is the author of "E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" (Walker & Co., 2000). His new book, "Electric Universe," will be published in February.
September 17, 2004

If Einstein hadn't smarted off to his professors while he was in college... he'd have never been "Saddled" with that crappy job... the one that as it turns out was exactly what he needed to be able to think clearly enough (with unfettered concentration) to figure out that time doesn't exist.

Everybody has a good day from time to time, but what happened to Albert Einstein in 1905, when he was just 26 years old, was extraordinary: He wrote five powerful papers in one year -- any one of which would have been worthy of the Nobel Prize, laying the foundation for the modern pharmaceutical industry, quantum mechanics and the theory of relativity. He even came up that year with the beguilingly simple formula -- E=mc2 -- that has done so much to transform our century.

What made it even more extraordinary -- as "Einstein," an exhibition at the Skirball Cultural Center, reveals -- was that up until the start of that year, nobody had any idea he was capable of this. He'd been an average university student in Zurich, Switzerland, and because he had smarted off so much to his teachers he hadn't been allowed into graduate school. The best job he'd been able to wangle was that of patent clerk, third class, under the stern eye of one Herr Haller in the Federal Patent Office in Bern, Switzerland.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. He'd received a thorough enough grounding in the basic tools of physics from his schooling, and if he had gone straight to a university job, he wrote later, he probably wouldn't have had the time for the quiet, unpressured reflection needed for his breakthroughs.

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Two beliefs kept Einstein motivated in those years at the patent office. The first was that there were great truths waiting to be discovered. He felt, as he once put it, like a little boy standing in a big, dark room lined with books with titles that were hard to distinguish -- but with enough concentration and humility, a few of the waiting pages could be read.

His second motivating belief was that the universe was simple, and the same for everyone. If I, standing still, view a light beam as moving at a certain rate of speed, I have no right to say that this is the "true" rate, and that what you, running along beside the beam, might measure about its speed is wrong. Rather, there had to be a way to make any two such views be seen as just one aspect of a deeper, common truth. From that reasoning -- and with just a few lines of high school algebra -- much of relativity, as well as the formula E=mc2, could be deduced.

It also helped that he was struggling with these problems at a very propitious time. Stephen Jay Gould has pointed out that the reason it's so hard to hit .400 in major league baseball today is that the whole level of play has been raised. In the 1920s and 1930s there were many weak teams, against which it was easy for top hitters to pump up their averages. Today though, there are fewer consistently weak teams. Batters have a higher standard against which to try to stand out.

Einstein was like one of those old-time batters. Today there are thousands of physicists in the world, but when Einstein was at the patent office there were scarcely any -- perhaps six full-time physicists in Switzerland and at most a few hundred in other major countries. He could take the time he needed for quiet mulling without too much worry that anyone would catch up to him.

To top it all, Einstein, who was born and raised in Germany, had the trait many immigrants share -- because they are, in a sense, outsiders -- of questioning what the society around them insists to be true. Although Einstein's parents were not very religious, he knew he came from a line of very Orthodox Jews who had no knowledge of 19th century science. At university, he learned that the biblical tales those ancestors had believed were false, or at least incomplete when it came to science.

But then when his Zurich teachers told him that what he was learning was the total and complete truth, he didn't believe them. After all, his family had been fooled once by taking too much on trust. He ended up questioning whether, by simple analogy, what his overconfident professors were teaching him could be incomplete as well.

Conclusion? The next Einstein -- whether in physics or literature or software -- may also come from America's immigrant groups. It is those who retain that questioning attitude, that suspicion that what everyone in a new environment is telling them might not really be the full truth after all, who have the ability to ask the right questions.

And that is what made Einstein's 1905 so great.

Source: La Times 2004 op ed

"E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" on Kindle