the chicken or the egg?
With boundaries it's not just "YOUR boundaries", it's your families boundaries that are in play.
You can't be a victim in a vacuum
What does this mean in English?
You realize you have less than functional boundaries
what does that mean?
You let others (allow others, fail to object to...) treat you with a lack of respect
why would they do that?
Boundaries aren't "you" or "about you", they are "ABOUT" the interaction/ the interplay/ an interpersonal relationship
The "pecking order" is currently interpreted by others as "you are one down" making them "one up"
"OneUpmanship" is THE underlying theme in codependency.
the other people who interact with you, for what ever reason, (doesn't matter if the egg came first or the chicken came first), they LIKE being "one up"
Let's say you have a history of drug abuse, that means someone else has had to "cover for you", you have let someone down, now more than likely that person is a family member
After a while they will resent (rightfully so) the fact that you've failed them in some way
Soon after that they will "collect injustices", you will be running a "defiecit" with this family member
What niether of you realize is, without them "setting out to do so", they "LIKE" being "one up"
Let's say time passes, you "get better"
the family member in question doesn't realize they WANT the status quo to change, they LIKE being one up...
Now you need to restructure your boundaries with that person
.... and you're shocked to find out, they actually don't WANT YOU TO GET BETTER
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2 comments:
I find that rings true in my own family situation, I just find it much harder to relax around them, everyone always seems to be sizing up the other, and I have a sibling who talks about every other member of my family to me as though she is a seasoned psychiatrist on their lives and has all the labels for everyone, it's as though she has managed almost too well to distance herself emotionally, and sit in judgment.
Is that why it's harder to heal around your famly, do you think? I am an adult child coming to some realisations myself about my own victim stance, and now am doing my best to educate myself, but one family member in particular always seems to be wishing you well with a knife in your back while they smile..and she reckons she's on a higher path to enlightnment and is a group facilitator for a group of addict or addict survivors.
I find that rings true in my own family situation, I just find it much harder to relax around them, everyone always seems to be sizing up the other, and I have a sibling who talks about every other member of my family to me as though she is a seasoned psychiatrist on their lives and has all the labels for everyone, it's as though she has managed almost too well to distance herself emotionally, and sit in judgment.
Is that why it's harder to heal around your famly, do you think? I am an adult child coming to some realisations myself about my own victim stance, and now am doing my best to educate myself, but one family member in particular always seems to be wishing you well with a knife in your back while they smile..and she reckons she's on a higher path to enlightnment and is a group facilitator for a group of addict or addict survivors.
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