Family Systems Theory

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

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The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements.

Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways.


Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.


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Healing Shame the Shame That Binds You, on DVD


John Bradshaw offers his perspective on ways multi-generational shame is transmitted in family systems and is the root cause of addictive and compulsive behaviors. John describes how family-of-origin rules and attitudes become encoded in each family member and how shame in engendered through abandonment and rejection. This type of dysfunctional family system can lead to generations of dysfunctional families, abusers and addicts
contaminating each new family in its wake.

Without this intervention, shame will continue to fuel the fire of addictions. John offers therapy and treatment methods to heal and stop the insanity of the past, and concrete ways to re-script, enhance and enrich lives.

Fix this damn post later... running out of time...

Characteristics of Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

...My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

...My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

...Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

...My mental attention is focused on you

...My mental attention is focused on protecting you

...My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

...My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

...My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

...My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

...Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

...I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

...The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

...My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

...My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

...I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

...My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

...I put my values aside in order to connect with you

...I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

...The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of your

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There is a newsgroup frequented by those interested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency



Reprinted with permission from Recovery & Sobriety Resources

By Terry M., Webservant

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

Excerpts from John Bradshaw's "Right Brain Healing - The Jesus Nature"

"I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did, the call is to Do What YOU Do. To be fully self actualized, like he (Jesus) was."

"This shocks pious minds"

"I started teaching this (when I got back to Houston from the seminary) and lo and behold I almost got run out of town"

".. No. I do believe in providence, it's just that too often I see people going to providence without realizing that we are created in the image of God. And to be creative is how we are most like Jesus"

Bradshaw repeats a quote about codependent self deprecation:

"For worms to harbor such thoughts, not for beings made in the image of God!"

Bradshaw on the topic of N.L.P and prayer:

"What I tell people in counseling is that if they have religious background, I tell them to use this... Frequently I ask people to 'go to a resource that they have within themselves', and they say they don't have one (that they trust), I tell em to get God the Father and include that in a reframing, include that in a collapse anchor. This is a resource that they can go to. And this is very powerful stuff."

Jesus said:

"Greater things that I did you'll do"

From Right Brain Healing- the Jesus Nature, an audio presentation by John Bradshaw

More on what N.L.P or Neuro Linguistic Programming is: http://holisticonline.com/hol_neurolinguistic.htm